A wonderful, beautiful friend of mine posted on her Facebook account that her daughter had been selected for an amazing honor. Her daughter was chosen as the Ace National All Star.
Isn’t she beautiful? Ace could not have picked a better person for this position. I’ve had the honor of knowing this amazing girl, Ellie, and her mother since she was just weeks old, and she is destined to bring hope and inspiration to many.
And you want to know how I felt when I read the post? I was jealous. I was sad. I felt like a failure as a mom.
You see, Ellie has spina bifida just like my daughter does. Ellie’s mom and I have been the dearest of friends since the nurses at Northwestern introduced us, and our daughters adore one another. God handed me a true sister for this life, when he gave me her, and I could not get through the struggles of having a kid with special needs without her. We have cried, laughed, prayed, drank over the past 8 years together and I love her so much.
But I wasn’t able to be happy for her daughter at that moment.
I was so sad. I just sort of felt like Faye already has a list of things that she will do differently than other kids, and now here was something that she could have had, but didn’t.
I was so jealous. I wanted to scream “Look at my kid. She’s special too!”
And I kept thinking that although this honor would be a burden for me, and I would not enjoy the responsibility of it at all, I couldn’t help but wonder if I wasn’t selling Faye short. If I wasn’t her mom, would someone else have given her this chance that I couldn’t?
I will acknowledge that we were a week shy of going into the hospital for major surgery, and I do get a full on basket of crazy going before surgery, but it wasn’t just that.
It was, as my husband put it…
“ohhh, somebody has got a little bit a ugly on the inside right now.”
(it was said with a smile…..)
I am a work in progress. Jesus still in the process of showing me my weaknesses and doing some transformation. Sometimes, out of NO WHERE, this burst of ugly just rises up and overtakes. I am flesh. I am human. I cannot always resisit, but I can continue to ask Jesus to change me.
These are the things I know, because He has shown me, in my heart, that they are true:
I was created to be Faye’s mom. Faye was created to fulfill her own destiny, not another’s.
For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works,
which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Jealousy is a human emotion. It happens when we are merely acting like, well, humans.
For you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you,
are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way?
Jesus can remove the ill-will inside me and allow the truth in my heart to be revealed.
Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature;
the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
My heart knows truth, and I just need to listen. Then I need to tell my brain…
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind,
that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
I actually am happy for Ellie. Really. She deserves it. And that is what I need to think about.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
My emotions were never really about my friends. Ellie’s award just gave an opening for a few of my issues to rise on up to the surface. Which is wonderful. Because we can’t fix things that are hidden and denied.
I’m better. I was reminded of so many truths in the past few weeks.
Now I just need to post them all on my wall for the next time I find myself filled with a little bit of ugly. Because folks, I am after all, only human.