I woke up this morning to another one of my most common dreams.
My family and I were on a sail boat over pristine waters off the coast of Italy. We were laughing and I remember the sun on my face. Then I watched as Faye leaned over the boat just a little too far and fell in. She sank instantly and I woke up with the thought “I just couldn’t save her.”
This is not a new dream for me. Well, I’ve never been in a sailboat off the coast of Italy before, but it’s always the same message. “You can’t save her.” Or him. I have had a lot of dreams involving Will being run over by a car. And Emily being kidnapped. And Mesfin falling off a cliff. When they were babies it was always the stroller slipping out of my hands and rolling into traffic.
I’m sure I’m not the only mom in the world that has fearful dreams of her children dying.
But I’m TIRED of this feeling. I don’t want to dream these dreams anymore.
If you were here right now, sitting at my table, I would tell you that I know I can’t save them. Their hearts will break, they will get wounded in more than one way, they will make bad decisions. They may even die before me.
That’s life. And to even try to save them from all of that is to not fully allow them to live.
But I just can’t get my deep down subconscious to accept that. Who can really? Living day-to-day with the knowledge that you can’t keep your children from harm is one of the most frightening things about being a parent.
But please subconscious, can you just let it go? Can you stop with your obsessive worrying? Stop trying to make me deal with things that aren’t even in the today.
I don’t know what tomorrow holds. And most of the time, I’m ok with that. I want to live in the present. I want nothing more than the dealings of today.
Now if someone could just teach my subconscious to do the same.