For me there is always an ebb and flow sensation to life. Like with money….sometimes it flows in and other times it flows out. Mostly out around here.
Relationships have a sort of motion to them as well. There are times I’ve overwhelmed by the beauty of my family. Last weekend we were in the city and everyone was being so gracious and kind. I imagined being on the outside, seeing us with our uniquely created family unit, full of beautiful children with smiling faces. It was lovely.
Today I cried at 2pm and told the universe “There are just too many of them and they have too many needs!” There might have been more ebbing than flowing today.
I find the same flow in my marriage, although I don’t cry at 2 in the afternoon about it. Life gets busy and we can’t seem to find the time to connect or talk. Then we get the chance to spend some time together and remember why we love each other so much. Last month we spent 4 days in Colorado together – just us in our most favorite place on earth. We hit the sweet spot.
That place of connectedness in any relationship is the best. It’s the thing that keeps me going.
This sweet spot is where I’ve been with God for years. There has been mostly flowing and very little ebbing. Even in difficult times I’ve seen where God is growing me and refining me, so although it’s difficult, I still feel Him, therefore I remain in the sweet spot.
Not so much this year. This year I’ve spent a lot of time feeling angry. Or sad. Or confused. Or I’m my closet ranting and swearing and thrashing about on the floor like a two-year old.
I”m not handling my difficulties with grace at all. Nope.
My sister’s roommate from college lost her 15-year-old son from cancer about three months ago. Although she’s sad and misses him, she feels God sending her signs that her boy is ok. Today she posted on Facebook that it makes her feel blessed.
I seem to now drop F-bombs like candy falling from a piñata. I’m sensing sort of a different zen coming from each of us.
Through all my sadness this year, I haven’t been able to draw close to God. I just couldn’t. It felt vulnerable. And my feelings were hurt. Bad stuff doesn’t HAVE to happen. Right? So why does it? And we are constantly at the doctor. He’s had multiple opportunities for a miracle healing. Come on, dude. I know it’s not hard for you. I’ll find some dirt, you spit in it, rub it all over her, done.
But I can’t stay angry and hurt forever. I do love him after all. And lately, my wall of anger has been falling. I’m being reminded of God’s character and his crazy love for me. And as I turn around, looking towards him instead of away, I guess I’m sort of amazed at where he is.
He’s in the sweet spot.
I don’t know why I’m surprised. Of course he is. Because he never left. That’s just not how he rolls.
It’s me. It’s you. We are the ones pulling away. Or never showing up. He is constant and steadfast. Never moving and always sitting in the sweet spot waiting for that sort of relationship with all of us.
In high school my girlfriend and I used to crawl out on the roof and sunbathe (read cover my pale, freckled skin with baby oil until I burned) for hours and just hang out. I loved it. So does my dermatologist whom I’ve paid to have sun spots removed from my face. But I digress.
It reminds me of the story of the prodigal son where the father is on the roof, searching the distant for his son that wandered away. He will never move – no matter how pale and sunburnt he is – until his best friend returns to hang with him. He just won’t. And Jesus does not look away when I angry rant in the closet (it’s a big closet so I am there a lot) or cry during worship music or ask for answers that he just isn’t ready to give. He will not leave. Ever.
Sort of stalkerish. Like Jon when he uses the stupid Find Friends app and texts me things like “What are you buying at Target?” or “Having fun on the corner of 171st and Harlem?”
But unlike the Find Friends app, I like Jesus’s stalking. It’s alright by me. It does give me the luxury of taking my own sweet time in resolving my issues. But that’s ok too. Impatient isn’t one of Jesus’s qualities. Mine, yes. His, no.
I know where this is going. I will be back in the sweet spot with Jesus. He’s not just passively sitting there. Nope. He’s pulling me back in. It’s just going to take a little time for me. It’s like sitting down with someone whom you think has hurt you deeply (even though I know he hasn’t – there is a bigger answer and reason for all of this) and trying to be like we used to be.
But for right now, I’m just glad to know, he’s still there. Always. Forever. No matter how long my stubborn self takes. And for that I do feel blessed.